Anna Nicole Smith Dead

February 8, 2007

You heard it here first… @ Carpe, your number 1 source for celeb news.

I’ve got crabs.

November 7, 2006

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, allow me to explore a topic very near and dear to my nether regions…

This past weekend, I saw a movie that changed my life.

Oh yes.

And I’m not talkin’ Schindler’s-List-changed-my-life or Passion-of-the-Christ-changed-my-life, or even Tom-Emanski’s-Defensive-Training-Drills-Video-changed-my-life (though it greatly increased my ability to throw a baseball into a garbage can). This life-changing experience came in a semblance one would never expect. One so surreptitious that it sneaks up on you in the dark like a voracious fat girl in search of the solitary M&M she just dropped on the disgusting theater floor.

Hilarity, thy name is Borat.

Who would have thought that a movie whose trailers simply screamed the word “retarded” could possibly have this effect? Not me. I generally walk into a theater expecting to see a half-assed effort…then after the BJ is over, the movie doesn’t impress me much either. Well this one did.

Borat is about a goofy, offensive, yet well-meaning reporter from Kazakhstan who comes to America to make a documentary about our way of life. Borat finds that things in America are much different than his native country, where “town rapists” and events like “the running of the Jew” are common occurrences. Hmmm…sounds intriguing.

The coolest thing about this movie is the fact that it truly is a documentary, with very little of it being staged, and even less (if any) being scripted. The people Borat comes across are, for the most part, real people, and they apparently believed they were being filmed for a documentary that would air in Kazakhstan and nowhere else. This is where the genius of the movie lies. Through his masterful characterization of Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen seems to get past people’s guards. They seem to open up to him. Maybe it’s because he’s foreign, maybe it’s because they’re all flippin’ R-tards…I dunno. But that makes for some of the most outrageous and ridiculous stuff I’ve ever seen.

In one scene, Borat asks a car salesman what car would be best to attract a woman with, as he puts it, “a shaved vageen.” The salesman, without hesitation, matter-of-factly comes back with “oh, that would be a Corvette.” In another scene, Borat asks a gun shop owner what would be the best gun to defend against Jews. The shop owner, again without hesitation, suggests a 9mm or a .45. Borat baits three drunken college students into expressing their belief that slavery should be legal again. He shares a “high-five” moment with a hotel worker who has just read him a telegram informing him of his wife’s death. He interviews an old redneck guy who says that gays should be “shot and hung” and that Borat should shave his mustache because then he would look more like an “I-talian” than a “daggum terrorist”.

Many of the laughs in this movie (and believe me, there are a lot of them) come from sheer disbelief at what you are seeing. I think I said the words “Holy shit” at this movie more times than if I had taken a laxative formulated by Jesus himself. Especially during the nude wrestling scene…still not quite sure if it needed to be 10 minutes long, but wow. Some sicko out there with a homoerotic fetish involving a fat naked Kazakhi man rubbing his ass in the face of another Kazakhi man was most certainly pleased by this film.

Disgusting naked men scenes aside, I’ve gotta say this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. Once you get beyond the shock value, the movie is SO smart that you almost miss it. It’s a shame that some theaters didn’t play it because they deemed it “offensive”. I think that’s bullshit. For one, Cohen makes it painfully obvious that he is attempting to portray anti-semitism as something completely and utterly ridiculous (throwing money at cockroaches, anyone?), and for two, Cohen is jewish himself! That’s like somebody saying a black guy is a white supremacist because he calls himself and his buddies the N word. Anyone who thinks this movie is anti-semitic should be tied to a chair and viciously teabagged by Mel Gibson himself.

Go see this movie. I’m telling you…best thing I’ve ever seen. And yes, I did see Gigli.

New Story

September 26, 2006

Sometimes a great story is best told as a witty limerick.

There once was a drunkard named Chris,
Who downed sweet drops from Jager’s lips.
He tripped on his high,
Lost teeth like James Frey.
A once hit, his smile’s a miss.

I assure you, this is not one of those times…

Frogger: The Story
Coming soon to Carpe Comedy.

What you are looking at is the new Carpe Comedy!! That’s right, our dear Carpe has undergone its first facelift and BOTOX injection. As is the case with Joan Rivers, there will be many, many more.